The Meatless Chulent

Wedding uninvite

2010-12-13T16:55:00.002-05:00

My former SIL is getting married and she really wants to have all the kids in her wedding procession entourage. You know, wee one as ring bearer, wee bitty as flower girl and wee pea as her co flower girl (although she can't walk, much less hold a basket. besides the point I guess?) Anyway, she is getting married in far away location, and she wants me to pay to bring my children to said location, and get them dressed in expensive dresses and shoes (which she picks, but I buy) and then wants me to bring them to the wedding, but I am not invited to stay. In fact, I am invited to supply and pay my own babysitter to watch the kids at teh reception or she has graciously offered ot allow me to pick them up after the ceremony and cart them back to the hotel room I am supposed to pay for. Am I allowed to say HELL NO SUCKERS? Or is that too rude to my husband's memory? I find myself asking myself "WWMFD?" What would Mr. Funky Do? And then I realize, if Mr. Funky was here, I'd be forced to go the wedding, so maybe this is my little saving grace. Not having to go.

Too much parentiing advice from the blogs

2010-12-02T08:25:00.000-05:00

Lady at our house: It's cold, can you turn the thermostat up?
Wee one: My mommy says its cheaper just to put on a sweater.
LAOH: Your mommy is right, where did she learn that?
Wee one: On a blog. One day I'm gonna have a blog. Will you be my bleader?

Crazy things my clients say

2010-12-01T15:06:00.001-05:00

I never respond to voicemail, not even from my employees, what's the point?
Let's just get to the part of this meeting where you are wrong and I am right.
If I pay you on Jan 1st, you won't have to claim the income on this year's taxes, it would work for both our bottom lines.

YAWP

In the last 48 hours

2010-11-30T07:22:00.003-05:00

I have taken every single child to some form of doctor
I have been barfed on twice
I have rearranged all the furniture in the house because HELLO! THEY ARE DELIVERING THE BEDS TOMORROW! and I have no place to put them
I have skyped four business meetings
Dropped four jars of baby banana food on my foot, having only two of them explode all over me
Not made any of the important phone calls I need to make, but have managed to update my facebook status at least four times.
Have made plenty of desserts in my stressed out state, and am now trolling for women who just gave birth to bring said desserts to
Spent three hours on the phone with some man in India trying to convince him that YES my computer is broken, that YES I do have a warranty, and that YES if he makes me restart my computer one more time, I will shove my barfing child in his chicken tikka masala.

But, all in all, life is just GRAND. I am trying to live positively, so let's list some positive things

Personal training no longer makes me wanna cry which means I must be getting stronger
The beds are coming tomorrow (thank you Black Friday) and so we will not all be sleeping in one twin bed anymore
I actually got through to someone in Israel and may (cross your fingers, knock on wood, kiss w Torah for me) be putting a down payment down on a not yet built house in a not yet built suburb of an already built city on the outskirts of a place well within the green line. Which means I could maybe make aliyah in like 15 years (ya know because Israelis build housing at the same speed the US government can finalize healthcare for all)
My BFF from college is coming next week for a few days! YAY!
I had occasion to wear my very "bossy" high heeled boots, and a push up bra to a meeting, and discovered that however wrong it is, everyone listened to me when I was two inches taller and a size or two more well endowed.
It is raining, not snowing, which I am going to take as a wonderful sign
My 5K time is down to 28 minutes. Happy day!

no thanks

2010-11-25T17:46:00.001-05:00

no, i don't do thanksgiving. i have a whole bunch of yom tovim on which i see my family, i totally don't need to do it again.

have a happy turkey day for those of you who do this.

Shidduch crisis

2010-11-23T08:04:00.003-05:00

I think people have decided that I am ready to start dating. Or at least I think they think that. Because in the last two weeks, I have had five conversations about the shidduch crisis. And how I am old by shidduch rules, but young for a widow, so maybe my chances of getting "widows and divorce pickings" (someone said that to me!) are better then other widows. Questions have been asked if I need to keep wearing a sheitel, are my kids old enough that if I was in a room with them and a potential male date, would I not be violating yichud? It is a tedium. And every night I do the same thing, curl up on my husband's bed because seriously? I am too old for this crap. Shidduch crisis or not.

Thoughts

2010-11-22T20:58:00.001-05:00

I keep thinking that with all the time and money I have been spending at the doctor recently, it might have been cheaper to just have gone to med school myself. 2 ear infections and one note home about rampant hoof and mouth disease. Oy vey!

We all live in a yellow submarine!

2010-11-17T08:02:00.003-05:00

I have been having the world's freakiest dreams recently. Mostly about the attack of bedbugs in my sleep. But last night people, we all lived in a yellow submarine. And broke into awful songs a la Glee at regular intervals. When I woke up I realized that the culprit may have been the kid's tape deck, which was in my bed, and playing when I woke up.
Right now wee bitty is under the table, in her pajamas, screaming for a pink juice box. The same juice box that she screamed about not wanting when I brought it to her, and then when I exchanged it for a yellow one, and made sure she was happily drinking said yellow juice box, I drank the pink one to take a vitamin. Now she wants the pink one (and for me to read the Cat in the Hat for the 5th time this morning, and for me to read Curious George, AGAIN). Hey, its only 8:05 a.m., things are bound to look up, no?

Where to put wee pea

2010-11-12T12:07:00.002-05:00

Things have been hectic around here.
Moving, husband dying, moving again. You know, regular every day things.
In all the clamor, I have dumped a lot of stuff as I downsized, including wee one's bed (see bed bugs! YAY!). Now that we are in a new place and bed bug free (according to 3 technicians, a dog, and a monitor), I have wee one in a toddler bed, wee bitty in a toddler bed, and wee pea in bed with me. In a twin bed with me. And even though she is not much bigger then a watermelon, she takes up the WHOLE bed. I have not been sleeping for weeks. I need to find some situation whereby she has a place to sleep. But, I have downsized, recall? We are now in two bedrooms that were smaller combined then my old room. So what to do? Put wee one in a twin sized bed and convert his toddler bed into a crib for wee pea? But wee pea her own crib? Put wee pea in the sock drawer? Suggestions?

Never ever again

2010-11-12T07:11:00.002-05:00

So I asked my personal trainer to make me cry. And now I can hardly lift a pot without sobbing. I hate medicine balls. Hate them!
In good news, my 5K is down to 35 minutes (no laughing)

Hey! I got paid 5 bucks

2010-11-09T22:50:00.001-05:00

I served 30 bowls of soup at a local wedding and got paid 5 bucks. I'm really making the cash now! And what was great about it, was the lady who said to me "Hey, your the widow! That's why the soup spilled."
Thanks lady.

Also, I got asked out on a date recently. OMG! Are we really going down this road? WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?!

help

2010-10-17T08:20:00.001-04:00

i am looking for cheap long sleeve shirts to go under a tank top. suggestions?

Playdate Phrases

2010-10-16T22:48:00.002-04:00

Little friend: Can I play with you?
Wee one: Sure. But you can't play with my abba because I'm an orphan.
Little friend: I don't really like orcas.
Little friend's mom: Oh boy, this is going to just be a whale of a good time.

Wee one speaks

2010-09-18T20:33:00.002-04:00

Wee one: Mommy, can you please be a mommy and not an octopus?

Where did that come from?

Have no fear!

2010-09-17T06:58:00.002-04:00

I did not clean out the closet. Instead, I cleaned out my pantry and found 60 jars of baby food (thank you WIC). Now, is it fair for me to use babyfood applesauce in applesauce muffins? Is anyone wierded out that it once was babyfood?
The closet? Maybe next week (because with the holidays coming I am just swimming in time)

It's called widow humor

2010-09-15T15:52:00.003-04:00

Things have been a bit on the hectic side around here. Wee one started school, then we had a little snafu with his teacher (no shitting you, the school called and told me his teacher could not handle having an "orphan" in her class because the potential that he may act up. Trust me, hell hath no fury like me, and after much hissing fitting on my side the school relented their position. But man, COME ON!). I am working three jobs, trying to drive carpool, play Ima AND Abba (and I'm not sure I have the balls to be the Abba), exercising daily, eat (not daily, but that glitch I'm working on if only I could find my appetite. But guess what? I lost a pesky 10lbs, 24 more to go. I call it the grieving diet. I don't recommend it. It's worse then Atkins), and about a million other things. If you know how to work my automated billing, I'd appreciate it because man, hubby's system is pretty friggin whack-o.
I am working on moving out of here (the whole bed bug thing kinda creeps me out), and that is another wrench in my life, but I will say this, there has been a lot of laughter around here. Really dumb things that I find funny. I would share, but like I said, they are pretty dumb.
Like my cousin (also a young widow, do we widows travel in packs?) was telling me that since her husband has died she can see auras, and that she has gotten a bit psychic. Because she wears her husband as a diamond around her neck and he helps her with the psychic thing. Well gee jolly bob, I need to get me one of those diamond husband things. I could use a little psychic whacky-doodle-ness, couldn't you? But I'm guessing it is just this widow humor I keep hearing about, but I have yet to really *get*.
Tomorrow I have to clean out hubby's side of the closet. For a lot of reasons, and I have a feeling it is going to be a day full of tears. I am halfway tempted to just throw the whole lot into garbage bags and pack it up. Or to tear everything into shreds and make quilts for each of the kids. But part of me wants to hang on to the shirt that hubby proposed in, and the one he got married in, and that STUPID t-shirt he always wore because he liked the dumb slogan (Because your dad drank it. Whatever that means). But I guess I am still navigating this whole "grief" thing, so I'll try to let you know how it goes as it goes.

Kickin ya while your down

2010-08-29T05:56:00.001-04:00

Bed bugs! Urgh. The best news is, that since I can't sleep anyway, I can hunt these pesky things all night! HUZZAH!

Like a million things at once

2010-08-27T00:07:00.002-04:00

I have to make Shabbos this week, and am pretty terrified of having to make kiddush. Please don't make me do it.
Someone told me, while we were sitting shiva, that in order to find my next mate I should lose 30 lbs. Yea.
What does a "large back pack" means. I mean, my kid is three, what is large? WHY CAN'T THIS FRIGGIN DAY SCHOOL BE MORE SPECIFIC! Please do not make me become "that parent" who constantly calls. PLEASE!
On the subject of said day school, why in a three hour period are they feeding my kid a snack AND lunch? He's three, he doesn't eat that much. Ieesh.
I have been drowning my sorrows in exercise. Like 2 hours a day.

he died

2010-08-19T01:13:00.000-04:00

nothing else to say. see you on the other side.

It's 4 a.m.

2010-08-03T07:11:00.002-04:00

I believe that 4 a.m. is reserved for certain kinds of phone calls. They all fall under one category: Someone is profusely gushing blood. There has to be doctor's involved and or the need for doctor involvement for anyone to need to dial the phone.
4 a.m. is not the time to be scrolling through your phone and realize "Huh, I got engaged 8 hours ago but never got to call Funky. Just because I am up and hyped on wine and adrenalin, I should call Funky. I mean, we aren't friends. I am her husband's friend. But needless to say, I should tell her I am engaged. Even though she already posted a mazal tov to my Facebook. She must not know. I should call." And when I don't pick up, that person calls again and again and again. Never leaving a voicemail. Forcing me to drag my tired behind out of bed and into the kitchen. Stepping on a toy car, screaming obscenities, trying to find my phone in the dark. Only to hear "Hey! Guess what? I'm engaged."
Yeah. Mazal tov. Now come watch my kids all day because I didn't get back to sleep thanks to my profusely bleeding foot that I had to take care of (thank you stupid matchbox car). Can I now call you? I may need a doctor.

sad

2010-08-02T21:24:00.001-04:00

jealous. very very jealous.

Embarassed!

2010-07-29T23:59:00.001-04:00

So I have a big client meeting today, and brought my friend G along. An when I mean big clients, I mean "grovel at your feet please please give me the millions you have in change in your couch" clients. And what does G say? "Oh Funky? I've known her since I was knee high to a grasshopper" Oh my. Let's just tell everyone how much of a hillbilly, I am.

Dinner party

2010-07-29T16:08:00.003-04:00

We were invited to a dinner party. And by dinner party, I mean "not a shabbat meal, during the week, dinner with real napkins" party. Nothing gussy, just dinner at a friend's house. There was only going to be one other family with kids (an 8 and 10 year old girl), so I was prepped with the knowledge that my kids would have sorta playmates. We ere going to friends of my mom's. They live in a small loft, no room to keep toys. But that was okay because there was going to be other kids. So I packed some small toys and some books. Done deal. HA! hahahahaahahahahahaha, I now laugh at myself.
Everyone arrived. Ourselves, the hosts, the family with kids (both girls), another older couple, and a lone hippie gal. Odd odd group, but okie dokie, I like eclectic. And then the BOMB DROPPED. The other mother asked the hostess to turn the t.v. to nickelodeon in the bedroom so her girls would not interrupt dinner. And of course the nice lady did. And then I almost died. I mean, PLEASE! When I was a kid, you never asked anyone to turn a t.v. on for you. You just tried to find something non breakable to play with. Or played with the other kids there (no matter their age or gender, you were automatically to be considered playmates). In an age where kids have iPhones that rival mine (droid is still on its way), and have "Facebook friends" and "Real friends" have we all lost our yonkers? Does dinner party now mean "sit in front of the t.v.?" because my kids could do that at home (if i had said t.v.). Just askin.

Swimmies?

2010-07-20T00:10:00.000-04:00

My new HydroChic bathing suit came today. So much better then the Frumsuit.

Well, HELLO!

2010-07-17T23:53:00.002-04:00

Hi Bloggers! Sorry for the whole MIA thing, but I had a little legal trouble that prevented me from blogging, but now that is all cleared up. Thank G-d. But in the process I learned a lot of valuable lessons, and let me say right now GO SIGN A POWER OF ATTRONEY FORM. Go, do it! I'll still be here. GO DO IT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Save everyone a lot of pain. Pleeeeeeaseeeeeeeeeee.
Anyway, in other news, it looks like I am signing over my two new non profit babies to new owners and moving back east (SOB!) only to then pack up in two years and move to Israel (incredibly frightened. Yad Binyamin, Renana, HELP!)
So here are the bullets of my life:

I am getting a Droid. OH YEA!
Potty training, not so super convenient, y'all.
We are, hopefully, going to start trying for kid number four in the fall. Hubby wants one more boy for the air force. And I want subsidized vacation (oh come on, you read Mishpacha and Binah this week)
I read A Year if Living Biblically, and it was SUPER funny. Also, Fractured Fairy Tales. Man, I forgot how funny those were on Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Yes, I have been keeping up with all your blogs, but I gotta stop doing it in reader because it keeps me from commenting.
I need a pen pal because I have too much stationary and no one to write to. Stupid age of email. Must. find. pen. pal.
I went to workout last week and EVERY DAY I WENT a group of Hispanic men were sitting around, hogging the t.v. and watching Springer. It was gawd awful. Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Where do they find these people? And why the heck do they have a pole? And I do not want to know what Jerry beads are.
Is it wrong to watch Glee during the three weeks? Because I have so much to catch up on.
I am enjoying the nine days (sorta, ya know, still mourning the destruction of the bais hamikdash) BUT HELLO! Vegetarian/vegan options at restaurants have blossomed. Num num.
Someone bought me one of those automatic room freshener things, and it is motion/time sensored. But there is no good place to put it and therefore it is constantly spraying lavender into my mouth. Ick.
I have a wedding to go to next week, and I would rather cut off all my toes then go. Seriously. No desire to be stomped on for an hour.

What's going on with y'all?

Girl Talk

2010-07-02T09:06:00.002-04:00

Me: OMG! Wee one is potty trained! How am I going to spend all that money I am saving by not buying diapers?

Mom: On day school. Plus.

I have the quote of the day!

2010-06-18T00:20:00.001-04:00

Normally someone else gets the quote of the day. The best thing said. The kids normally take it, but today, it was me.

"Don't tempt me, I'm not a niddah, I will hit you."

Dear New Yorker:

2010-06-16T23:43:00.004-04:00

While you may believe that you are the center of the world, and that your world is vast and unending. That your culture is above mine, a lowly and humble Midwesterner, who milks cows for fun (?), my world is actually much larger then your small island, so shove it.

Thank you.

One P.O.ed Funky

The Plan

2010-06-07T23:44:00.003-04:00

We plan to make aliyah in two summers from now. There are a lot of reasons that we are waiting that long (the biggest being I have some annoying school/teacher's certification to finish up first because for some reason this country can't STANDARDIZE its teaching credentials. Because if I live in NY? I'D BE DONE!). In prep for our move I have begun to purge my life of junk (why am I always purging? STOP BRINGING THINGS INTO MY HOUSE PEOPLE!). I am trying to go with the motto "every thing I own takes up a moment of my time" and "would I pack it to go to Israel?" This is just HARD. (Speaking of hard, I need a solid wood butterfly leaf table with a pedestal. Oh yea, and it needs to seat eight before the leaves are inserted. And not cost me more then the price of my car. Suggestions?)
I am also depressed. Very very depressed about a myriad of things. And when I am depressed I bake. Lots of baking (30 lbs of flour in four days). The problem here is I can't eat baked goods because I am on a raw food diet. Need people to come take baked goods. PLEASE! Help a gal out!
I also have a big work thing coming up in two weeks and we are GOING TO THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH! Yes! WE ARE GOING TO HERSHEY, PA! (You thought I was going to say Disney. But, I am petrified of giant mice. I much prefer chocolate. Even if I can't eat it. The smell makes me HAPPY). So hello over 15 hours in the car with all three kids by myself. AWESOME! And then a week at a work conference with my three kids. DOUBLE AWESOME! The best, though? Is that the conference has babysitting. Which is going to cost me more then gas to get there. TRIPLE AWESOME! But, really, I am super excited to go to Hershey (and make my own chocolate bar), and yea, oh, that work stuff. That should be fun too.

The Floors

2010-06-04T09:58:00.001-04:00

Dear G-d,

I know my floors needed to be mopped, but why did my kids have to flood the toilet/bathroom first?

Curiously Yours,

Funky

Why I will never take my MIL to a party

2010-06-03T21:12:00.002-04:00

"Funky, you are now at the age where all your friends will be getting divorced, not married"

I am amazed my in-laws were ever married

2010-05-29T22:52:00.002-04:00

I really am. FIL1 and MIL1 are so different at this point in their lives. Where aging has given my FIL1 more perspective on life (maybe because he deals with whackadoodle criminals all day) he looks at the world and just has a laugh. Nothing is really going to phase him. How different from MIL1! Being sick has hardened her to the point that she is mean. She cannot look outside herself. Hubby is constantly telling me to cut her some slack because she is so ill, but at this point, without hubby to jockey between the two of us, I have no more good will left. To that end, how different this week is from last!
My FIL1 has been here about 28 hours. In that time I have gotten: a nap, a long hot shower, time to read some magazine, and a coffee out with a friend. There has not been one argument about anything. The only thing I can slightly "kvetch about" is the bubble gun they brought the kids and then allowed the kids to play with on Shabbos (with all the lights flashing), but wee one and wee bitty are only 3 and 2 respectively, so I am hardly throwing any kind of fit (especially since it facilitated said ability to read my magazine).

I deserve a gold star

2010-05-28T16:17:00.003-04:00

I took all three kids to one of those paint your pottery places this morning:
Nothing got broken
No one now has ruined shoes/clothes
Everyone had a relatively good time
I now have a birthday present for my mom which will be ready on time.
I spent less that 30 dollars.

Yeeha

Reading rec

2010-05-28T00:28:00.001-04:00

I recommend "One Week Job" by Sean Aiken. It was a quick read.

Thank you

2010-05-26T22:28:00.002-04:00

I have survived the first in-law onslaught, the next wave arrives on Shabbos. So while I have a short breather I would like to thank all of you for writing your amazing blogs which kept my mind occupied in my worst moments. I also want to thank my Rabbi for reminding me about the fifth commandment on a daily basis and my responsibility to follow it. And to my cousin, who sat with me in the hospital while my in-laws were there (and kept his gun in the car).

In which I go in circles

2010-05-25T12:15:00.003-04:00

The pediatrician told me I should be giving my kids vitamin D drops because most kids don't get enough sun exposure. When I pointed out that I take my kids to the park for three hours a day she asked if I put sunscreen on them. When I told her I did (lots of skin cancer in my family, very yucky) she told me that keeps kids from absorbing vitamin D and they should have drops. And now I kinda fell like, well heck, let's just sit in front of a DVD all day and take vitamin D drops because it seems to me to be just as good as going outside (especially when the "feels like" temp is over 100 outside). Whaddaya say?

Economic Endeavora

2010-05-16T22:30:00.002-04:00

I have been reading a lot about how to keep yourself economically above water. I have always tried to save money where I can so I thought reading up on things would keep me up to date on the latest trends. So it seems to be that everyone recommends "pay yourself first" i.e. save money and then pay off other expenses. I hate to say it, but poppycock. We live by one firm economic rule in our household "pay your masser (charity) first . . . always". No matter what, my check to a local charity goes out monthly. Why? Because I firmly believe that it is the only way I am going to stay a float.
So, what economic rule do y'all live buy?

Reality

2010-05-14T16:56:00.002-04:00

At what point do you give in and accept the fate in front of you despite how scared it makes you? Do you prepare yourself? Or do you let it just hit you?
All these questions swirl in my head constantly.
My family has basically taken over the running of my life outside of the hospital, and I am fine with it. They have packed up my apartment and moved my things into my mother's. Someone turned off the phone/internet/gas at the apartment and convinced the management to let me out of my lease. My in-laws are coming next week for a few days, and my cousin (whom scares the hell out of me) has arranged everything so I neither have to see nor smell them (and however he did that, let's put it this way, I don't wanna know).

Okay, this is so reaosn number 3165 why I am frum

2010-05-13T15:29:00.001-04:00

Just try not to cry.

No way your day was worse then mine . . .

2010-05-13T13:48:00.003-04:00

I woke up this morning to no clean undergarments. So I decided to go to Target to pick some up before heading to the hospital. As I am pulling a screaming wee bitty out of the car, she skirted (pants-ed?) me. As in no undergarments and my skirt down around my thighs. Horrid. Absolutely horrid. It gets worse. An old school chum of mine was standing oh, 200 feet away. Awful. Turns out my old school chum is one of hubby's new nurses. Got to see her twice today. Mortifying.
Okay, if your day was worse then mine, share. Otherwise, go laugh quietly elsewhere.

I am very disturbed

2010-05-11T22:45:00.000-04:00

And you should be too. Ugh.

Injustice in this world

2010-05-04T16:52:00.001-04:00

Starbucks is FINALLY rolling out vegan frappucinos on Wednesdays.
Starting Friday, for a week or so, from 3-5 p.m. every day those Frappucinos will be half off.

Now for the injustice:
Starbucks has reformulated its frappucino recipe AND THEY ARE NO LONGER KOSHER

ARGH! It's like being Eve in Gan Eden. The fruit is SO close and SO far away at the same freakin time.

The new generation

2010-05-03T20:43:00.003-04:00

I have made friends with a 9 year old patient at the hospital. I bring him comic books and fruit roll ups and he tells me corny jokes. Anyway, today we had the following exchange:

9 yr old: Will you be my friend?
Me: Uh, sure.
9 yr old: Great! How can I find you on facebook?
Me: Eh? Huh?
9 yr old: (working on his laptop) Is that you?
Me: Yup.
9 yr old: Okay, I friended you! Don't forget to respond when you get home!
Me: (joking) Okay. But does this mean I also have to follow you on twitter?
9 yr old: Nah, only if you want to.

I was joking people. What 9 year old has a twitter account? Yeesh. Now I keep getting twitter updates that say things like "Superman is rad" and "Yea, rock on!" or my fave "Nurse X gives me wood"

HA!

Is this thing on?

2010-04-29T16:49:00.001-04:00

I called a friend to ask her a question today
"Can you hear me? Can you hear my voice"
"Why of course," she replied, "why?"
"Because I swear, I have been talking all day to my kids and they hear NOTHING! Just making sure it is their hearing and not my voice"

Restaurant dilemma

2010-04-28T07:50:00.000-04:00

I admit it would probably be very easy to eat at a restaurant every night. In fact I know people who only cook meals for themselves once a week. Heck, I even know families who only eat out. In the midst of our "crisis," I have refused to allow my family to fall into such an easy pattern. For one, restaurant food is expensive and I need no more stress about bills then I currently have. Two, there are very few choices here (three to be exact), and even I think I would get bored. Three, and maybe most important, is that I am completely unsure how healthy all that prepared food is for me.
I know that Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution is getting a lot of smack in the media right now. Some of it deserved, some of it fatalistic. In the end I believe that as a nation we need to look at what we consider good food to be. Pizza for breakfast? Hell, I've done it. Is it a healthy choice? Hell no. What would be a better choice? Fruit. Whole grain cereal. Rice and veggies. Any of these things fall under the idea of "better for you then pizza." One of the biggest gripes I have about sending wee one to school in the fall is I am sure he is going to be eating crap all day long. Just because the school has a kosher standard does not mean that the food is good for you (and from what I've heard, most of it is not even edible). I know that worrying about the food choices my family makes is small and silly when there are people with far greater things to worry about, but I'm gonna try to stick this one out.
So to that end, the kids and I got rid of all the processed food int he pantry and shlepped it down to the kosher food pantry. Then we went to the local farmer's market and spent a moderate sum to restock our house full of "good for you food". I'll let you know how it goes, but so far, no one misses their crackers.

In which my 2 year old develops her G-d complex

2010-04-27T16:38:00.002-04:00

Wee one: Ima, can you turn the light on?
Me: The light didn't go off, the sun went behind a cloud. You need to ask HaShem to bring the sun back.
Wee one: HaShem can you turn the light back on?
Wee pea: (flicking the light in the kitchen to turn it on) Don't worrty wee one, I did it. I turned the light on for you! I HaShem.
Wee one: Thank you HaShem

Teenage years are 10 years away. I am cowering.

Weird conversations I hope I never have again

2010-04-27T00:52:00.002-04:00

Conversing with your husband about what your second spouse should be like, G-d forbid we get there.
Arguing with your in-laws over burial plots (can I swear on this blog? Is it allowed? Because I. WILL. WIN. Got that in-laws? The gauntlet has been thrown and you will lose. Bring it.)
Trying to determine with a rabbi who taught you in second grade about sperm collection (please, NEVER AGAIN. OMG, I almost died on the phone)
Debating veganism with a butcher in the next bed over. Yea. It was odd.
Trying to determine with a nutrition why a hospital with a "no crap food" policy has a McDonald's and organic candy.

Since its out there anyway

2010-04-25T23:39:00.001-04:00

Let's talk about doctors. My theory is that I am on a totally need to know basis for everything medical. If I don't need to know? Then don't tell me. This is why all those doctors have charts. And I will assume that since all these doctors went to school for a ridiculous amount of time they can READ because I cannot remember what everyone says to me. And no offense? It is completely unfair to ask me to recall what one doctor said and relay it to a nurse/occupational therapist/other doctor/random person coming to put tape on my husband. That is why they give you all PAGERS! And cell PHONES! CALL SOMEONE! READ THE CHART! Everyone writes on that stupid chart in illegible handwriting for a reason. Or is everyone just testing to see if their pen is dry?
Anyway, a friend of mine from college came down this weekend and spent Shabbos with hubby. Let's call this friend N. So N spent all Shabbos with hubby and helped with everything. And N? Is in medical school. So all that doctor crap? N got it! And N? relayed to me only what I needed to know. In distilled sentences that included mainly words that were under three syllables and are in my daily vocabulary. Because yes, THAT IS POSSIBLE. Not only that, but N have me his old net book (he just upgraded) and now, I can watch Glee and Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution from the hospital. HA!!!!

Owwwwwwww

2010-04-23T10:16:00.000-04:00

Ever eat too much celery and get a bad stomache? Yea, me neither.

Extreme eating

2010-04-22T11:43:00.000-04:00

It used to be that being vegan was far out there nuts. And then it was that being a raw eating vegan was an even farther crazier thing to do. And then you also had to go local (despite the fact that I live in an area where only apples and potatoes are local for like oh, 6 months out of the year). And now? Now you have to go primal on top of all that. You heard me people! Get your local-raw-vegan eating butts on the primal eating bus because that? IS ANOREXIA WITH A LONG NAME!

The new normal

2010-04-21T22:35:00.003-04:00

So I have been avoiding talking about the new normal. Mostly because I wish it wasn't my current reality, but alas I think I have reconciled myself to it and now, selfishly, I need the power of the internet to keep me moving.
Since the last days of Pesach, hubby has been in the hospital. It's going to be a long haul, and I am wiped from the sprint so far.
My day:
4:30 a.m. wake up
6 a.m. excercise
6:45 a.m. go to the hospital and bring hubby food
8:00 a.m. get home so my mom can go tot work and spend time with my kids
12:30 p.m. go back to the hospital and sit with hubby
2:00 go back home and play with the kids
7 p.m. give kids bath, put them to bed, wait for mom to show up
8 p.m. exercise
9 p.m. trek back to shopital and sit with hubby until midnight
1 a.m. get home, fall into bed and rinse/repeat

Soooooooooo, how do I survive on three hours of sleep for the next who knows how long. Ideas, I need ideas!

So let's consider

2010-04-21T11:40:00.003-04:00

I started my own non profit! Gleeful am I. I got a call last night that a grant I placed to start a different non profit (like 10 friggin months ago) may get funded, which means, I would be running two programs. Oh joy! (No really, I am super excited)
And then today walking around outside with the children in tow, and then getting accosted by some very UN-nice boys with BALD heads I decided huh, maybe my husband is right and it is time to up and move to Israel when our lease runs out.
How do I do this crap to myself?

I am my own boss

2010-04-20T22:04:00.001-04:00

WOOHOO! I got the grant people! I got the grant! I am starting my own non-profit. I AM MY OWN BOSS (well, for this year at least). I am underpaid and understaffed, BUT I AM MY OWN BOSS!

I wish I could take a picture

2010-04-16T07:17:00.001-04:00

IT IS SNOWING! GAH!

Wee one math

2010-04-14T11:11:00.001-04:00

Wee one grabbed wee bitty's breakfast cookie this morning and gave half back to her. Then smiled at me and announced "Look Ima. I gave her half! I shared!"
I keep telling him to just wait until she turns around and smacks him one day. Just wait.

Klarbucks

2010-04-13T13:55:00.002-04:00

I kid you not, there is kosher "Starbucks" here in the eastern Plains (someone told me that I can no longer call where I live the Midwest, that I actually live in the eastern Plains. Yea, I'm confused too). It is called "Klarbucks" (well not really, but sorta). After the Rosh Yeshiva came down and said that Starbucks is treif and threatened to kick boys out of the yeshiva (and men out of the kollel) if he caught their family members (or themselves) eating said treif food, someone opened Klarbucks. A kosher Starbucks. With pareve offerings. I was ecstatic. So I trooped everyone off to the coffee shop this morning and guess what? It tastes awful. Like really awful. Like coffee someone made in the break room at Home Depot awful. I tried so hard to smile and drink happily, but I chucked my whole drink. The "pareve frappucino" like drink I got for my kids was only mildly better. Because it must of had about three cups of sugar in it. Sigh.

Suggestions now being taken

2010-04-13T08:56:00.001-04:00

I am looking for an Israeli version of Hulu.com for kids. We are contemplating moving seriously and realize that unfortunately television is one of the medias that helps teach language. I am looking for kid friendly shows for kids who do not watch much tv in the states besides Curious George. Suggestions?

Uhh what?

2010-04-11T08:48:00.003-04:00

No joke, I met someone on Shabbos who has never had chili. In fact when I mentioned making chili she said to me "what's that?" What kind of a world is it when educated people who grew up in states have never had/heard of chili. CHILI FOR ALL!

Pesach Update

2010-04-09T06:35:00.004-04:00

We survived! YAY! The putting the kitchen back together after Pesach is always harder then the cleaning, in my opinion. Because when I put things away I just do it helter skelter and then I have to find it all again in order to put it back. Still have not found my KitchenAid mixer and had to make challah by hand. Ah well. On to Shavous!

In other news I am having a crisis of sorts with the government right now and would just like to say: blech. If I could only be spending my energy elsewhere.

It is also snowing here. Which none of you care about because you all live in warm climates where there is not two feet of snow on the ground with more coming down. Yes, you are all lucky (and if any of you from Israel would care to rub it in my face, please don't, I feel bad enough already).

Hubby is leaving us for two weeks in a week's time. He is trekking eastward to see his parents (he did invite me along but there is not enough Xanax in the world to convince me to hole up in my MIL's three bedroom Manhattan apartment with lots of expensive art work within small hand's reach). I am sending him with lots of well wishes and the world's longest shopping list. Bring on the pre prepared food section at Pomegranate. Bring it on!

We are also back to contemplating a move to NYC or Israel. I would truthfully rather move to Israel then NYC because being close to my in-laws? Is a death sentence! That and I am not sure I could live in New York. I mean, I would have to trade in my BOB for a Phil and Ted's. Let's not go there. I cannot part with my BOB! It is a sacred appendage. That and I may lose my mind on a subway with three children. Very possible. Especially wee bitty who now wants to lick everything. I can see her licking a subway wind and me just barfing on the floor. Lovely, no?

The best time for a tummy bug

2010-04-01T22:03:00.002-04:00

The best time for a vegan to have a tummy bug is Pesach. No, really, it's great! Think about that wonderful BRAT diet. Bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. TOTALLY VEGAN! Fabu! But it is Pesach so there ain't no rice in this Ashkenazi house (dang you in-laws!) And there ain't no toast because heck! It's Pesach! But that's okay, there are still bananas and applesauce. Riiiiiiiiight, Passover. Well there is no applesauce because that is a processed food and we don't eat those on Passover either in this house. Bananas! There are bananas! Which I loathe.
And so, when this vegan has a tummy bug on Pesach she drinks water.

Reading

2010-04-01T07:14:00.003-04:00

I am working on a series of articles for a publication all about dating. This means I have also been doing a lot of reading about dating and shidduchim. While I need offer no answers or solutions, it seems to me that the pervading thoughts out there currently are "you should take him/her even if everything isn't perfect on paper". Not only that but if you have something that would put your own self in a bad light, you should fix it (cosmetically and or personality wise). Okay, points all taken, heck, I can even agree because I did marry someone who was not most of what I would have wanted on paper (a Republican? You have to be kidding me!). I would also say that it is very easy to give such advice from the seat of being well married with three kids. But, there is no way in hell I would actually open my mouth and tell anyone to settle. Well, not unless I was the fury and frustrating of a dating person to rain down on my head. This is why I have decided people have written articles and books (oh my lord, the length of these books) on the topics. Because if they actually had to speak some of this advice to people, they may be dead. Some of the juicier tidbits I read last night were that a datee who does not look so up to par but does not want plastic surgery should consider only dating blind people. Kid you not, someone wrote this. I can only hope to be more eloquent.

Passover in a box

2010-03-31T22:54:00.001-04:00

Monday it snowed. Two feet to be exact.
And today? I got sunburned in the 60 degree weather.
Welcome to the Midwest!

Overheard at shul

2010-03-29T13:50:00.001-04:00

I was leading 2nd graders this week at the shul's shabbos children's program. We were talking about all the things we can eat on Pesach when one kid said "Lasagna!" and the boy sitting next to him said "No, not on Pesach because we can't have bread or noodles" so kid one retorted "Oh right, yea. I don't eat bread on Pesach. Except on my ham sandwiches."

Misplaced brain

2010-03-28T23:03:00.003-04:00

At the time of this writign I have not slept since Saturday morning when I woke up at 6:15 a.m. to wee bitty throwing some kind of hissy fit over a Thomas pillow. All very confusing. I am exhausted. And I would have been in bed sooner had I been able to find the bedika chametz kit earlier. Because we tore the house apart looking for it. I even looked in the garbage. It wasn't until I went to put wee one on the potty and he looked at me and said "Ima, can I have that candle?" that it registered that the kit was sitting right on the bathroom sink. No clue why I put it there. Losing me mind!
G'night and have a chag kasher v'samech!

The reasons Pesach is kicking my behind this year

2010-03-28T15:02:00.002-04:00

No gebrokts. Sigh
No leeks, no garlic, no cucumber.
No processed foods
No bounty paper towels (WAH!)
No quinoa BECAUSE I LIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE PEOPLE! KOSHER GROCERY STORE! PLEASEEEEEEEEE!
Matzah cost me about what it would cost to take my entire crew to Aruba for Pesach. Double sigh.
Eating shmurah matzah for eight days, blech
No self cleaning oven (I curse my apartment management company! CURSE!)
No cleaning help
A bad haircut (and yes, I have planned a trip out east to get my hair fixed just for this reason)

It Takes an Army

2010-03-26T07:38:00.002-04:00

Happy Cleaning!

i have a new perfume

2010-03-25T17:39:00.002-04:00

it is called eau de bleach. yummmmmmmmmmm

5:30 a.m. start time

2010-03-23T08:16:00.003-04:00

Now that I start my days at 5:30 a.m. (so I can exercise, daven, shower, empty the dishwasher, and a bunch of other things I prefer to do without my 3 and 2 yr old helping/hindering me), by around 8 a.m. I am ready for everyone else to start their day. Come on kids! Get up! Momma has to get to CVS for some free dish soap before it is all gone! Let's go!
But I know that if I do wake my kids it will be a disaster so instead I just sit and wait (and eat breakfast by myself, what a treat! No grubby hands in my fruit salad!). I wish though I was on the go because HELLO! Mornings are my prime time to get stuff done as my kids are in good moods. Afternoons are just one big downward spiral that I would rather not speak about. I do a lot of fake smiling through my afternoons and tick down seconds until 9:30 p.m. (when the wee ones go to bed) starting at 6 p.m. (at which point I have probably already had a glass of wine at 5 p.m. and found that it did nothing for my mood).
Sit and wait, sit and wait. Sigh. Maybe I should do work . . . nah, too productive. OOOOoooooo HULU!

EAT! I SAID EAT!

2010-03-22T22:21:00.002-04:00

My family tends to go through a lot of food. Hubby is the worst offender, but wee one is a close second. And so I bought food last week thinking that people were eating. Ummm, no. Wee one has a tummy bug and hubby is on some new "R.amadan diet" do not ask me! So now I have lots of chametz and no one eating. I have volunteered to cook meals for three ladies who just had babies and still there is food laying around.
Eat people! Eat!

I would also like to thank my local synagogue for having lunch this coming Saturday because I am now able to clean my kitchen before Saturday night. Halleluyah!

Driving Mrs. Kentucky

2010-03-15T08:14:00.002-04:00

I was driving int he car with hubby when a squirrel ran in front of our van.

Me: Ieesh, that squirrel has a wish to become Kentucky meatloaf
Hubby: Oh geez, don't tell me you are a hill billy too!

If I lived in Israel

2010-03-09T18:57:00.000-05:00

My kids would be in bed already.

Again . . .

2010-03-09T13:56:00.001-05:00

I said it last year, and I'll say it this year.

NEXT YEAR IN A PESACH HOTEL!

All's I'm saying

Today I am amazed

2010-03-08T14:27:00.001-05:00

At how wee one still thinks he can fit in my lap like wee pea does. And more amazed still that I will totally continue to let him until he is no longer interested.

Today I am amazed

2010-03-06T20:08:00.000-05:00

That we did not eat lunch until 4:22 p.m.

Today I am amazed

2010-03-05T16:07:00.001-05:00

Today I am amazed that I survived taking all three kids to a dentist's appt for wee one that was scheduled right smack dab in the middle of nap time. And I didn't even bribe anyone to be good.

Because I am extremely crazy

2010-03-04T22:56:00.002-05:00

Normally, when hubby goes out of town, like he is now, I stay at my mother's house, but tonight, for a lot of reasons I had to come back to my apartment with the kids alone. The being alone makes me crazy. I hate the quiet of the house versus the noise of the rest of the complex.
I have been the victim of a violent crime twice. Twice someone has broken into my residence and in strange fits of stupidity caused harm upon my person. I will not be burned again, and for this reason I find myself sitting here, in the dark, with wee bitty in her swing and the older kids in the back bedroom, waiting in quiet vigil. I will be exhausted tomorrow (I know I will stay up all night, I always do) but it does not matter. I tend to sit in silent guard over my children making sure no one traverses my door. Because I am crazy I have bolted and chained my door. And because I am super crazy, I will not move any heavy objects in front of it (something a therapist once recommended to me in order to make me feel safer) because I am afraid if there is a fire I will not be able to get out quickly enough. But the bolt and the chain are not enough for me, and I want to be assured no one enters without my knowledge.
I know that none of this behavior is not rational or healthy, but because I am extremely crazy I don't care. It is the same crazy that forces me to close all doors before I go to bed because a fireman told me when I was five that that action might save me in case of a fire. And the same crazy that makes me carry my keys in my hands at all times because a Navy Seal once told me it was a smart move to make.
My husband has no idea I do any of this. I have a feeling if he knew he would never leave, or at least insist I stay with my mother (for some reason having another adult in the house keeps this vigil sitting neurosis at bay). I just refuse to tell him. There are a lot of reasons, but mostly I don;t want to worry him. I want him to be able to leave and know that we will be okay (because deep down even I know no one is coming for me). These trips do him good, and ultimately I know, G-d forbid, that he may leave us first at which point I am going to have to learn how to live by myself or live without sleep.

Today I am amazed

2010-03-04T15:58:00.002-05:00

that I am the mother of a two year old. And that I forgot her b-day until my FIL called. Happy b-day wee bitty!!!

Today I am amazed

2010-03-03T07:56:00.001-05:00

Today I am amazed at how much my daughter made me laugh while I was doing my 23rd sit up this morning. Smiling down at me and reminding me "Ima, I don't want it, I don't want it. No thank you" (It being my other free weight). She looks like such a little china doll.

Today I am amazed

2010-03-02T15:51:00.001-05:00

Today I am amazed at the amount I was able to get done just by waking up an hour earlier.

Lazy Parenting and Fake Cheer

2010-03-02T14:34:00.001-05:00

I have been trying to employ two new strategies in my quest to "be a better Funky". False cheer and lazy parenting. Both came out after a very frustrating week with wee bitty who has started her terrible twos early just to bother me. I swear any request has become a reason for a tantrum even if the request is "please go eat your cookie". No joke.

False cheer
You know those ladies who talk to their children in those high pitched and placid voices? Where they say something like "Oh, these masticated brussel sprouts are just so yummy! You should try some!" And you want to gag on the syrupy-ness of their voice? I have become one.
I am forcing myself to be cheerful in an effort to actually be cheerful or keep everyone around me cheerful. And while I don't necessarily feel anymore cheerful, everyone around me seems happier and that makes me feel better. So while I may be completely livid that wee one has broken wee pea's toy AGAIN and I need to fix it, I will still force my cheery voice and say "That's okay, we can fix it later!" with a big ol' grin on my face. Inside I am ready to strangle the kid, but wee one doesn't break down and I don't holler, and guess what? He drops the toy and goes to find something else to do. No tantrum. No time outs. TADA! False cheer creates real cheer.

Lazy Parenting
I am a terrible house cleaner. My floors are dirty, my bathrooms are cleaned whenever I feel like it (which is rare), and we will no discuss why there is cornstarch on the keyboard I am typing on, or why I have not cleaned it up in weeks. Suffice it to say, things are a bit "creatively placed" in my house.
While I am not a clean freak. hubby is. And so he does most of the cleaning, but the clutter is my job. So the 50 library books that are "artistically" arranged on my living room floor right now fall to me to clean up. Well, not anymore. I am going to be lazy. I am going to make my children clean it up. I am not going to care about stepping around those books, but in my false cheerful voice I will encourage my kids to put every last book away as I sit and read on the couch. And I will not lift a finger to help. They can do it themselves.
They can also go and retrieve their own fruit from the counter, even if this means a precarious teetering on a chair. I am not moving from my seat to get apples everytime someone wants one. We eat 120lbs of apples a week in this house, and everyone can go get their own.
The other part of lazy parenting is squashing my own "go out now!" attitude. I get up early, exercise, daven, shower and get dressed so I can run my errands and spend my afternoon at home trying to get work done. But my kids rebel. They scream and kick trying to get out of the house, and I was putting everyone's coats on three times. No more! LAZY! I will not go out (even if it is killing me) until everyone is willing to cooperate/gets bored of being inside. This tends to happen around noon, and so I do my errands then.
Which leads to lazy parenting number three. My kids do not nap. And they get up early and go to bed late, and I am frigging tired my 9 p.m. (which is not bed time, bed time comes later, much much later). When I told my mom how zonked I was she said "institute rest time" but my kids won't rest on their beds (even with a book). What I did realize though was that my kids love watching Curious George, and while it may not be the best tactic, the way to get them to sit down a rest was to pop in a DVD from the library and let them zone in front of the computer with a glass of soymilk and George for company. They got rest time, I got rest time, and lo and behold lazy parenting again paid off!

And there you have it folks. I am not winning any awards around here, but we keep on trying!

Today I am amazed

2010-03-01T08:07:00.001-05:00

Today I am amazed that wee pea woke up just as I had finished an extra long workout session. I am also amazed at how much fun I had last night at the seuda, and how my husband vaccuumed up the mess this morning without being asked or expected to.

Purim Theme REVEALED!

2010-02-28T09:32:00.002-05:00

So I can't be ordinary and just do one theme, I had to do four. Because different people go with different themes, right? WRONG! Because I AM INSANE! And I love Purim! And it totally brings out the arts and crafts camp director in me that is dying to get out!
So for my hubby I made him a Happy Anniversary basket because today is our anniversary. He got lots of his favorites (olives, chips and Starbucks anyone?)
For my mom and I themed hers "Passover" because she says she wants nothing in her house on Purim that cannot be there at Pesach. She got lots of Pesach food. She laughed.
For most people, they got a day at the spa. I have been stocking up on beauty care freebies all year (thank you Walgreens for having a sale and getting me thirty full sized bottled of shampoo for 3 dollars total. You rock!) I gave oatmeal, lemons, and cucumbers for food and stocked the rest with beauty things in a shower caddy.
For all of hubby's single male friends, they got a "stock your pantry" package full of cookies, beer, chips, snack mix, nuts, pasta and sauce. I figured they could use that more then any candy I had.
And now the insanity begins. Hubby is at megillah now (I went at 5 a.m.) when he gets home we'll go out and deliver everything. Wee bitty is with my mom for megillah. Then later today 40 people will descend on my home for the seuda. Yipes!
Can I also mention how wee one has wanted to wear his purim costume every day since I bought it on sale after Halloween? And sometimes I even let him. But today? NISCHT! The child will not wear that lion costume to save my life! Splain it Lucy!
Fraylichin Purim!

I will spend March more aware

2010-02-28T08:13:00.002-05:00

I have recently realized that I am not as aware of what is going on around me to the extent that I woudl like to be. I am keeping up with all my daily tasks, but I have forgotten to be completely amazed by many of life's little things. And so, I am resolving/trying to be more aware in March. To this end, I will try to do the following:

Find one thing to be amazed about daily
Try not to spend more than 180 for the month (excluding Passover food buying)
Take my kids to the zoo and local museum at least once
Eat from my pantry to save me time and allow me to enjoy my kids (and to help clean the pantry for Passover)
Finish a book a week
Find a better way to manage laundry in our house
Invite over people for Sunday night dinner
Lose more weight

Okay people, now it is your job to help keep me to it!

Volunteerism!

2010-02-25T10:16:00.002-05:00

I recently decided I wanted to meet people. And to do that I wanted to get more involved! YAY! Volunteerism! Meet people! YAY!
So I cold called an organization that was looking for volunteers for a big event they are holding and I was all "COMMITTEES! I love committees! Put me on one with LOTS OF PEOPLE! And lots of meetings. Because I want to meet people!" And the lady on the phone was all "Sure! We have a singing/dancing/do a skit committee! You could perform!" And I was all "Nope, not a good idea unless you want people screaming from the room. I'll copy! GIVE ME A COPY MACHINE! Or envelopes! I can stuff efficiently! Just like in a factory!" And the lady on the phone was all "Nope, that is why they pay me" And I was all "What else? Clean up? I wield a mean broom!" And she all "Bake! You can bake! We need 400 pieces of cake! Go! Find that much yoshon and pas yisroel flour! I dare you! Because the stores? Are all decked out for Pesach" And I am all screwed. And the only people I am meeting are the little ones who keep trying to steal cookies off my trays.

Excuse my absence

2010-02-24T10:10:00.002-05:00

Excuse my absence please. I have been busy runnign store to store doing my Pesach shopping. Yes, I said Pesach. Because Pesach food is on the shelves (6 dollars for pan spray anyone?). Even the kosher grocery store in town has started putting out its fare!
And what of Purim you ask? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHA. Because food for the seuda? I have not cooked. And shalach manot? I have not assembled (but I am shopped for! Assembly line motzei Shabbos. I only have 150 to make.)
But Pesach potatoe chips? I have BAGS of!

If you give a man an inch

2010-02-17T10:10:00.002-05:00

If you give a man an inch, he is going to take a mile.
When he takes a mile he will travel many miles to see his mother.
When he goes to see his mother he will give you two hours warning.
When he gives you two hours warning that he is leaving that means he is leaving for a week.
When he leaves for a week, he will ask you to find him a suitcase.
When you find him a suitcase he will ask you to pack him food because G-d knows there are NO KOSHER RESTAURANTS IN NYC.
When you pack him food he will leave without saying goodbye.
When he leaves without saying goodbye he will call from the road to say goodbye
When he calls from the road you will tell him how wee one has developed the stomach flu and wee bitty has developed a fever with an awful runny nose and cough.
When your other two children get sick, wee pea will decide to have a growth spurt and desire to eat constantly for hours.
When wee pea decides to eat constantly for hours you will realize there is no food in the house and you have two sick kids and no way out of the house.
When you realize you have no way out of the house you will call your mother.
When you call your mother she will come over and watch the kids so you can run to Walgreens to pick up some supplies (but they won't have Venus razors which will frustrate your whole transaction, but you will figure that out)
On the way home from Walgreens your husband will call while you are driving in the one city with a "no drive and talk" law so you will not pick up the phone.
When you don't pick up the phone your husband will assume you are POed at him
And if your husband assume you are POed at him, he is probably RIGHT!

In the category of things that only happen to me

2010-02-15T11:12:00.001-05:00

Broke a toe doing squat thrusts. Momma always said exercise was dangerous and bad for my health!

Looking for suggestions

2010-02-14T08:29:00.001-05:00

I have been working out with DVDs a lot lately, and they are getting old/too easy. I had been doing a few Post Natal DVDs but they have grown WAY too easy. I recently picked up Denise Austin's Daily Dozen fromt he library, and so far it has been challenging, but I need something else to do for the other 45 minutes I should be exercising for. Sooooo, suggestions?

I will not end up in a cabin in the woods

2010-02-11T20:42:00.002-05:00

My husband and I are competing. A la Biggest Loser. Whomever can lose highest percentage of weight in 12 weeks gets to pick where we go on our summer vacation. And I? Will not end up in a cabin in the woods somewhere with no plumbing or electricity (hubby's idea of a good time). Bring on the salad! I will rock this!

The things I would do in NYC, if only my in-laws did not live there

2010-02-10T10:47:00.000-05:00

I have realized that having in-laws in NYC keeps me from going. I don't want to see my in-laws, although there is plenty of things in NYC I would like to do.

Go to a Jewish bookstore and drool/browse/buy
Go to Pomegranate
Go to other kosher grocery stores
Get myself a new hat/tichel
Go to Monsey and clothes shop for the girls
Attend a class at the Kosher Culinary Institute
Take a class on caring for my sheitel (then maybe I woudl wear it?)
Visit my college friends
Eat at Back to Nature
Oh my, so many restaurants, so little little time
Go to the Met
Walk the Lower East Side for fun
Take wee one on the subway because he would get a kick out of it

But see my problem is my in-laws. If I go to NYC, I am obligated to stay with them, and they fret if we go out into the city (a whole other blog post). Sigh.

Coffe? Nah

2010-02-09T19:55:00.001-05:00

You know how some people need coffee in order to get out of the house? Well I have realized I have a trifecta of things I need. Exercise, shower, and davening (not necessarily in that order). As in yesterday morning I did not get my exercise or my shower, and we had to stop at a truck stop on the way home, pay three dollars so I could shower. And then hubby and the kids trailed me slowly in the van while I ran by the side of the road for two miles in the snow. Yea.

Puj Tub Miracle

2010-02-09T17:29:00.004-05:00

After wee bitty was born my hubby made an announcement. No more babies. Ever. He was done and overstressed. So in a fit of "geez man!" I got rid of most of the baby stuff we had. Bye bye car seat, bases, stroller, and baby bath tub. Then three weeks after the garage sale, hubby announced he wanted more kids. Double geez! When I got pregnant with wee pea, I started searching for replacements to everything we had owned. But now I was searching with knowledge. I knew what I didn't know when I had been pregnant with wee one.The one item that I found hard to replace was the baby bathtub. I had hated the old one I had (some number from Fisher Price with a sling that suspended the baby mid air). It never came clean (mildew, ewwwwwwww), it took up WAY too much space in our small bathroom, and I hated that when I put it in the tub I felt like Gumby trying to bend down and give a bath in it. A friend of mine recommended the Puj tub, and I agreed it looked great, so I put it on my lists of things I wanted.And then a miracle occurred! Puj was looking for product testers, and I signed up! And they sent me one of their fabulous tubs! Oh happy happy day! I was excited for a lot of reasons when I opened the box. 1) The tub folded flat so I put it on a peg in my bathroom to dry and it takes up no more space then it needs to. 2) It is magnetic, so it is super easy to fold one handed while holding a baby with the other hand. 3) It fits in my teeny tiny bathroom sink. I admit that I was worried that there would be no way that wee pea and the tub would fit safely under the faucet of my bathroom sink (considering it is not a fancy faucet, but one of those low lying deals), but I was wrong (pleasantly so).
The Puj tub is also mom-made, so I don't feel super bad that it is made in China and not here in the USA because I still feel that I am supporting my American economy. I highly recommend checking out their site at baby bath tubs. It inspired me to make my own baby sling! And nursing cover! But that is so another post.

The best weekend ever!

2010-02-08T07:49:00.002-05:00

Going to visit my friend C is always an adventure. We bonded in college over the fact that we A) look the same and were always mistaken for each other and B) are both vegans. This meant that I could eat anything at her house this weekend which was awesome (especially because she is one of the few people I know who likes to feed people as though there is an army of them i.e. wow! a lot of food times twelve. No, seriously, there were 12 desserts on her table after lunch.)
The other great thing is we still giggle like school girls with each other, so while the hubbies were out for the day we talked and ignored our children (the hubbies did come home int he middle of the day unexpectedly, so C and I took naps. Fabulous!)
My hubby says that C is 60% tzedekes and 40% army general with the way she runs the household. As in, on Friday, after we arrived at 3 a.m. to her house, she woke up and took her three kids and two of mine out for the day, giving hubby instructions to take me to lunch when I woke up at a local restaurant. Then proceeded to drag my kids to Target, the mall, the candy store, and the pizza joint. Ummm, where does she get her energy? She also just had a baby!
We head home today and I am going to miss C like crazy! (we were going to head home yesterday, but hubby got wind that C's hubby was going to a kosher super bowl viewing party and we opted to stay over.)
So thank you C for a great weekend! Now you need to come visit us!

Maybe I can cancel that doctor's appt I made?

2010-02-04T09:41:00.002-05:00

Even though we don't use our gas to heat the house, we have been using space heaters in the two bedrooms for 6 hours at night because dang, it is COLD! We saw our electric bill last month and almost choked. So we have decided to consolidate. We are now all sleeping in one bedroom. Yes, I have three full sized beds and a crib in one bedroom. It truly is a BEDroom (har har). Not only am I now saving money because I only have to heat one room but I will save money by cancelling that pesky "have your p.araguard put in appt" because I will never be having adult activities again (and the added bonus here is that my kids now have their own playroom with my computer and sewing machine in it, so I can work while they play).

Today's conundrum solved

2010-02-01T14:59:00.002-05:00

This morning I woke up to the most horrifying realization. We were out of fruit. Crud. Life around here without fruit is like PMS for a lot of women without chocolate. Except my kids are banshees and they howl. So I had to figure out how to get all of us out the door and to the fruit market with three feet of snow on the ground and more falling. I will now pause to say thank you to the makers of Dum Dum Pops. You make my everyday easier to live!
In other news we are heading east for the weekend! My best friend lives in a town that is hosting a rabbi that both our husband's studied with while in Israel, and so we are all visiting (okay, descending upon) her. The hubbies will be out all day Saturday, so we are all going to have to amuse ourselves. Two ladies and six kids under the age of four (oh yea, she just had a baby too! This is gonna be funnnnnnnnnnnn).

Sorry, I thought taking an ad out on a billboard was just a tad much, eh?

2010-01-28T20:43:00.002-05:00

I deal with a lot of people via phone. And email. Lots of phone and email (yes, I NEED a Blackberry, PLEASE?) So I rarely see about 75% of the people I deal with on a daily basis. I talk to all of them three or four times a day, but see? Never!
I also happen to be a relatively private person. If you ask, I will truthfully answer without any BS, but I have a "no-ask-no-tell" policy. You didn't ask me? I don't feel the need to share. Fine, I am a wench, cope!
So telling people I was pregnant? Didn't do. And now some people seem offended. Like when I say "sorry can't do that, recently had a baby" they get miffed that I never mentioned I was expecting. I did tell people who it would concern (like my jobs where I need to be there in person. Or my editors who wanted to give me a deadline around my due date) I just left out the vast majority of people who I deal with mostly on the phone, and whom would not really be effected by my having a baby (like the ladies who drop off clothes at my house so I can find people to wear them, or the man whose email I help manage. Those things I can do with or without an infant in arms). And right now, I have enough drama in my life. So all of you who are offended that I didn't feel the need to update my Facebook status and tell you I was pregnant (why do people do that to start with?) sorry, you can put it on my Yom Kippur list.

The list of bloggable things I will blog about when I have gotten more then 30 minutes of consecutive sleep

2010-01-26T11:01:00.002-05:00

My husband's new diagnosis (hate it when doctors put time tables on how long people will live. HATE IT)
Having a baby (wee pea)
Getting a new job
How much I really hate insurance
How much I really hate hospitals
Having no food in my house
Entertaining my in-laws while being in labor
My friggin to do list which is turning into a to-do book
And lots of other stuff. Be back soon. Hopefully

Kipp-it on?

2010-01-18T15:22:00.002-05:00

Okay, keeping a kippah on a three year old boy's head? This is like trying to climb Kilimanjaro in high heels. HELP! (Yea, I tried clips, no luck)

Don't ask questions you do not want answers too

2010-01-12T10:37:00.001-05:00

My great grandfather once refused to speak to my great grandmother for two years. Because she cut her hair. Don't ask.
Anyway, that is how Funky House is now right now. Silent.

Warning: They gave me free tickets

2010-01-10T20:44:00.002-05:00

We got free tickets from the nice Disney people to see Disney on Ice Celebrations recently. For free, I figured, it wasn't going to be an awful experience.
A friend of mine (who just made aliyah) told me that when doing things like aliyah, you should always keep your expectations low. Very low. And then you are not disappointed. So that is what I did. I kept my expectations low. As in my only goal was not to lose the kids. That was all I hoped for. I figured we'd be sitting up high where we could barely see (I was wrong, we had great seats) and I also figured my kids would flip out after seeing such large people in costume (they didn't) and I also figured they would have no clue what was going on because we have no t.v. and Mickey Mouse who? (Ok, they knew Mickey Mouse from their Golden Books, but had no clue about anyone else). So everything was going very well (I wasn't even going to complain about paying 15 dollars for close parking because the tickets were free). I was happy at intermission. The kids were happy, I had lost no one, and so far they were not freaked out during the "villain" section of the show. But everything went south about ten minutes to the end. When Goofy came out dressed as Santa and they started some Xmas segment. At which point all my good will and "holiday cheer" were gone. I had been quiet when they had made the princess ball into Valentine's Day, slightly cringed when the villain section was Halloween, but Xmas was something I was not prepared to deal with (I admit to being a Grinch, but I put up with Xmas from July onwards and by January, I am done. I am alienated and done). I'd had it. We left. With wee one screaming. There were presents and a tree and Goofy/Santa. I was super offended. Soooooooooooooo, considering it was free, I totally have nothing bad to say, but if I had paid for it? I'd be livid.
Thanks Disney! We had a great time. Up to the last ten minutes.